SHOULDS SHAME
"I don't know what to do! I am a bad mom! I can't get my kids to listen to me like my friend can! I should be further along with language learning! I should be better at working out! I should be more like so 'n so! I should do more! I should be better at cooking!" Any of these phrases sound familiar? Whether we have said them out loud or just continually thought them in our minds, these phrases are pretty common for moms. All of these comments have two things in common. They use the words "I should..." and they have something to do with comparison to someone else. How many times have I word vomited all of my discouraging and comparative thoughts to my husband through tears or sat defeated, looking at my life wondering why I am not better. I have been in the mindset for years that I was just stating the facts about my life and saying those things were just me being honest. Only recently have I discovered the truth about "shoulds".
In the middle of discouragement the term "I should...." tends to come up quite a bit. This phrase comes with the comparison mentality. I have learned that our "shoulds" cause "shame". They go hand in hand. When you think you should be somewhere in life or further along or better at something you are ultimately creating and then operating out of feelings of shame. The Word of God reminds us that shame if not of God. These thoughts and comparisons are not of God so we need to let them go. We need to exchange them for God's view and perspective.
It actually makes no sense to compare ourselves to someone else because God didn't create us to be like anyone else. He created each person with their own unique calling, talents, and opportunities. We were never meant to act like or be like someone else. No one else on this earth was created with the same blue prints, calling, or purpose on their lives as you.
When we moved to Thailand, I easily fell into the trap and thinking of comparison. We had never lived in Thailand before and had no grid for how to live and do ministry and work in this context. The only ideas I had of what life should look like here, came from looking at other expats lives'. This led to a very skewed vision and lense of what my life should look like. The more I tried to catch up to people, do things the way others did them, or be involved in the ways they deemed important, the more I felt discouraged and depressed about my life. My husband and I finally found the "glasses" that allowed us to look through God's eyes at our lives and found out we were completely different. He had a completely unique and different plan for our lives. We had unique circumstances when we moved here, like having a baby 3 months after arriving, having 3 young kids which delayed language learning or ministry involvement, etc. We were trying to fit a round circle through a square hole.
What a relief it is when you realize you are not meant to be like everyone else and that you have a unique call and plan on your life. How amazing it is to know that God is not disappointed in where you are, but rather excited to meet you where you are and help you be the best you that you can be. Maybe you are not an amazing cook but rather a fast food mom because you are so busy with work you don't have time to cook. That is okay! Maybe you aren't great at homeschooling your kids and rely on public school or an online tutor. That is okay! Maybe your house is a wreck, totally not spotless like Home magazine because you have 3 kids, and you have to hire a nanny. That's okay. You are doing what you have to and need to do to make things work for your family and the things God has called you to. Never feel shame for being who God created you to be.
